When the urge to write comes over me, it’s totally non-negotiable, I simply must write. And that very urge struck again this week, so here I am writing another blog post on a blog I’d thought had maybe had its last entry; existing online only as a moment-in-time. A small part of my online footprint collecting virtual dust, being revisited occasional by me, and only me. Or, existing only until I forget to renew the domain name and it disappears into the t’internet black hole for ever and ever… But, perhaps it’s not quite ready to start collecting dust just yet.
I say the writing urge “struck” which makes it sound a little like a giant lightening bolt of inspiration, something which simple must be shared. But, it’s not really like that. In truth, it’s more like a simmer. A simmer of confusion and thoughts and what ifs that I’ve started to observe as they start sneaking up on me. A sort of “Oh yep, somethings happening here, there’s something in this for me”. And with that simmering urge comes a kind of sense of anticipation, excitement even. Because I always know that first and foremost I’m writing this for me. Writing to remind myself of something, or writing in an attempt to create cohesion from the confusion in the form of words on a page. Which, when read back, serve as a lesson to yours truly and maybe others too…
On Monday I officially finished up the part-time contract job which for the last 10 months has been supporting my business income. And, that scares me. Like, really scares me. This last few weeks, I’ve totally been a big scaredy-cat. But, if this last year has taught me anything it’s to go where the fear lies. Get the biggest torch you can find and shine a light on it, because on the other side of that fear is where the magic lies. And underneath that fear (for me) is a sense – a knowing – that the time was right to finish up in that role. And the certainty in that knowing, is so much more powerful than the bullshit stories I exhaust myself with when I let fear run the show. For example, if I was allowing my current finances to drive the decision, I wouldn’t have left this job. But then, I wouldn’t have ever left my corporate job and I wouldn’t be writing this blog. And so as I’ve learned (and continue to learn) to release my attachments to money, and stop allowing it to be at the core of all decision-making, I’m choosing instead, to follow the feeling. My poor accountant, his stress levels must be through the roof.
I’ve no idea whats going to happen next. I’m not sure how being full-time in the business is going to play-out. But I never did and I never will. All I know, is that whatever it looks like, it’ll be exactly the way it needs to be for me to learn and grow. And the feeling that told me it was time to leave that role, is the same feeling that’s telling me to get back to being creative. I want to create. To create more. And lately I’ve noticed that the only thing I’ve been creating is a lot of unnecessary drama around it (‘it’ being business / money / the future / or whatever other topic of the day my mind chose to fret over) and that’s not cool. Why give myself such a hard time? It’s exhausting. It’s unnecessary and well it can kinda make you feel a bit crappy. So, instead what I need to do is simple: Do what I love.
Simple, but sometimes hard to execute, isn’t it? In the last month or so, I noticed myself not injecting as much energy into the business as I had earlier. I’d once again let myself get preoccupied by life. My job / results / paying bills / etc. I was going through the motions of things I needed to do. I wasn’t making choices based on the feeling. I was making choices based on the story. I’d taken my foot off the business gas for a while but on reflection I was missing my creative outlet and that in itself was draining me. I’d told myself I’d focus on the business once I’d finished up this job. I thought I was choosing the easy way. I’d even convinced myself I was giving myself a break. But I wasn’t a break. It wasn’t restful. It was stressful. The creative void was filled with those exhausting thoughts. If anything I was making it more difficult than it needed to be. I’d create struggle where there didn’t need to be struggle. I was sweating the big stuff and forgot why I’d chose to play life this way – loving what I do.
As I talked to a friend about it this week, I said, “It’s time to take off the life-jacket” – because that’s what that job was like. Extra security and safety which meant I didn’t need to worry about the business finance because I had enough coming in to survive month-in, month-out . But after a while a life-jacket can get kinda uncomfortable, restrictive even and you want to take it off and move about a little. You want to have some freedom, and trust in your ability to swim. Sure, the life-jacket paid the bills but I know now that the joy doesn’t come from the outcome it comes from the doing. And if you’re creative, you need to create. You need to do it and you need to be it. From there, you’ll find your flow. I want to find my flow again.
My plan for this job was that it would clear my debt. But it was so much more than that. And, well let’s get honest here, it didn’t clear my debt because I was spending at the same rate I was earning. Understand the accountants despair, now?
I wrote in an earlier blog “And this job, this one felt different. This one feels like, for whatever reason, it’s meant to be. And when you can learn to trust yourself with that feeling and know that you (and only you) always know the right thing to do, if you allow yourself the space to let it come, there’s something rather nice in being able to just relax into the ease of it all.” Geez, I really should take my own wise advice more often! But my point is, that feeling was right. This job was an opportunity, It brought with it experiences, knowledge & learning that I couldn’t have possibly imagined. And at the time I was all like “Oh no, I’m not looking for a job…” Turns out it was looking for me though.
More and more I’m coming to the conclusion that the possibilities are endless, when you’re open to receiving them. So again, I’m diving into the unknown and as I do I’m reminding myself to be open to whatever comes next. I don’t have a back-up plan. Because I don’t feel the need to plan. I’m open to letting this evolve moment-by- moment and as I said in the earlier post, to know that in those times I’ll know, with certainty, what to do. [As I write this I’m totally hearing this message loud and clear]. This past year has been quite the journey for me but it doesn’t mean I’ve got it all sussed. I’m continuing to see the stuff that really challenges me come up again and again. But when it comes in the form of fear, I face it.
Face Everything And Rise
This week has been a reset week. Trying to be gentle with myself as I be with these “Oh fuck, what am I doing?!” thoughts, knowing they’ll pass (knowing I’m driving them, no-one else) and knowing that everything will be ok. Because friends, it always is. I want my business to succeed more than I fear it being a failure and for me, right now, that’s enough. Any whatever it might be for you, my advice, just trust in your knowing and let everything else unfold from there.
So, as a take another wee step forward in business, reinvigorated with energy and a whole load of things I want to do to, I’m still open to whatever unfolds, safe in the knowledge that it’s exactly what’s meant to be. And when you can live that, what’s to worry about? Sit back, enjoy the ride*
*And make sure you choose a ride which you really love. It makes life so much more enjoyable.
Like what you read? You know what to do…